A not so flying blog..

Since my first post last year i've not been flying very much at all!! unless you count Boeing 747's and Airbus' on my way to and from europe!!

Unfortunately my arm is still not getting any better, in fact it seems to be getting steadily worse! The movement is still very restricted, i'm unable to straighten it fully or supinate at all. Any twisting movements or strain on the joint are very painful, which totally sucks and makes life very difficult indeed!

Sometimes when i'm sitting on top of the hill or out in the paddock getting hot and dusty watching the boys have an awesome time up in the air i contemplate taking a bunch of painkillers and just taking off, but along with the physical restraints of my injury, i'm still having problems overcoming the mental impact of my accident.

It sounds really stupid, because with the description of the actual crash, it wasnt really that big. i just screwed up. i know exactly what i did wrong, my landings have always suffered because i dont quite have the upper body strength or size to flare effectively, so when i think about it, it's easily corrected. i've done it before! I had a similar crash in a prickle patch when i was still getting my qualification but i had wheels on the glider that time, so my biggest problem was digging all the prickles out of my arms and legs! I need to think about what i'm doing, get my arms nice and high on the uprights and push up and out, and if the landing doesnt go to plan, i need to remember to let go!!

But that's not the part that gets me. It's the fear that has set in over the last ten months. Every time i think about clipping in and taking off, i get nervous. I start thinking about all the things that could go wrong and how easy it is to just screw something simple up and end up paying heavily for it. I think about how i need a parachute that fits in my pocket, not the one i have currently which is really just too big and hard to pull out of the pocket. I think about all the little tiny parts of the glider that could snap, or break or come loose. I think about tumbles and mid-air collisions. I think about locking out on the tow line or not having sufficient air speed on hill launches. But mainly, i freak out about my landings.

They have always been the bane of my flying. My first ever landing on my bunny hops i ended up on my stomach. my second? on my knees.. I eventually started to get it, and with practice it came, but i would still have the occasional stuff up and end up covered in dirt and double-g's. Every time i had a break from flying i'd come back and freak out some more about landing. It got to the point where i didnt want to take off because that way i wouldnt have to land right?! But i had some good friends who helped me through it and got me flying well and happily. It was going really well until this accident, and now i have that thought in the back of my head again. I dont need to land if i dont take off.

I have flown a little since my crash. In the period after the surgery where my arm was at it's best i did a couple of weekends of towing out in Wyalkatchem. The first weekend went really well. I was out with a bunch of guys who have been flying in WA for years. they're the guys i would watch flying when i was 11, the ones who are kinda like uncles now. We started right back at the beginning, attaching the glider to the trailer and driving up and down the paddock a few times to make sure that my arm was strong enough to do the nessecary controls. It seemed okay, so we set up the tow line and i gave the boys a few tows to thank them for spending all morning talking me into flying. Now here is the part where i started getting a big nervous. Being one of the only girls in the paddock and also the daughter of the CFI over here, everyone knows who i am. everyone watches when i fly. everyone fusses over me and makes sure that i have everything i need, but i'm the kind of person who doesnt like being watched in pressure situations. I hate being fussed over. So on this day, when people were constantly fussing and watching me and asking when i was going to take off, i was getting more and more worked up. I had the glider set up, i had everything ready, but i just couldnt bring myself to clip in and tow up. It took me about and hour and quite a few tissues before i actually managed to clip onto the tow line. Once i was in the air and finally off the tow line, i felt that familiar feeling. the relaxing freedom that comes from just being up there. "i can do this" and "i remember how to do this" were uttered a few times. I was so happy to be back there!! The air was beautiful and smooth, perfect late afternoon soft boyant air! I came in to land and mentally landed from 800ft, making sure that i knew everything i had to do. The landing was perfect, the kind of landing i do when i go cross country and land out in the middle of nowhere so that nobody can see my perfect landings!! I did a few more tows that day and ran the tow car out of fuel, so we had to pack up and call it a day.

After that weekend, the weather was bad for about a month, so i didnt get to fly until just before i left for my five month europe trip. I managed to get out to the paddock at the end of October and joined in with a few students who were trying to get their soaring flights. This trip wasnt as successful. The air was lumpy, but not the good kind of lumps that make you go up. it was the scrappy remenants of thermals which only served to jostle my nerves and make my arm sore. I took two tows that day and ended on a sour note. My landings were fine, but my confidence was not. I was uncomfortable, unsure and didnt want to fly. That was the last time i flew. not a good note to end on.

So now i sit on the top of the hill wanting to fly, but at the same time, i'm absolutely petrified at the idea of stepping off that launch. it's frustrating. I want to fly again, i need to fly again, but i just cant.

Hopefully a few tandems and some good support will help get my wings back.